Say what you feel...

Yesterday was valentines day. Everything has been a mess up until now, but andrew and I are doing really well so I'm happy. We picked up my cousin and had her babysit hayden while we went to sushi at kokoros and then saw coraline at the theaters. It was strange but really good. I'm exhausted. I fell asleep on the way home last night and when I got out of the car, my phone flew off my lap and into the sewer storm drain and andrew used a crow bar to pry off the manhole and climbed down to get it. He is so great to me. It was unharmed and not even wet, which is weird because I thought it would be seeing it had rained all week. I got offered a job as a full time 9-5 nanny for these people who come to the track all the time. They have four boys. But I would have to have hayden in daycare all day everyday and that would suck. My poor baby. It pays 300 cash a week but I don't think I would enjoy it as much as I do the track. I love my job but I'm going to politely decline.

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A mess of decisions is what my life has come to. If I marry andrew, I have to wait two years, during those two years I have to take care of a baby by myself with no real friends, go to school, work my ass off at a menial job, and deal with Andrews horrible mom in the meantime who controls ever aspect of our relationship. However, andrew is the father of my son, he is there for me in my ups and downs, he loves me no matter what I look like or do. He doesn't treat me very great, even though he is working on it. I don't like his carreer choice because I don't want to live anywhere near the city of la. I don't like the environment, and the food people eat and the lack of peace. Then there is this other guy. He treats me amazing, he is from the south and is old fashioned when it comes to how a woman should be talked to and treated. He is joining the marines, which I think is great. He adores hayden, he wants me to marry him, and to take care of me and the baby, and all I have to do is be a marine wife, take care of my husband, and kids and get love and support in return. Granite, I would be taking the easy way out, typical American woman, I would have to travel. But I would have a close knit community of friends, and family. I don't know what to do. I hate waiting for my life to take shape. I don't know what I want. I should work on myself as an individual first. And I would have to release myself slowly from the binds of Tracy Jansen. I wish I had some sort of sign. Something to give me a clue of what to do. And to not do things for the wrong reasons.

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Oh dearest me. Last couple of days have been [insert some big word I can't think of, that falls along the lines of crazy.] I turned 21 on Monday, but spent Sunday and monday sick with the stomach flu. Will write more soon. Phone will die in 3...2...1

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I'm so excited, and freaked out at the same time.  It's going to be a strange day. I can tell.  Hayden has the worst cold, his nose is running like a faucet, and I have to suction it every like 5 minutes and he can't sleep, so I feel so bad for him.  I had to work though, so I took him to daycare, and on the 2 minute drive there I got a baaaaad stomach ache and It's been nauseated and cramping, and I'm hoping I didn't pick the stomach flu up from Andrew's parents when they had it the other day.

Speaking of his parents, they thought it would be a good idea if they bought me a new car, because mine is falling apart and not safe for me to drive with the baby, and it's constantly having something wrong with it, so they are going to trade mine in today, and put the new one under Andrew's name, and its going to be my very first brand new car, so no issues from previous owners, da da da.  I'm excited.  I get to pick the color and everything!

I am going to make payments to andrew, and if anything was to happen between us, the car wouldn;t get taken away, which I was worried about.

I also had forgotten that the daycare was closed today, due to Heather's vacation. OOps.  So I brought the baby to work with me, and he was really good and played until Andrew got here and picked him up.  Good thing he was off today!

What a day. New years day. I'm at my moms house, eating everything I shouldn't eat and watching my sisters favorite show, yo gabba gabba. Woo. Andrew had to go to work after being here for 4 days straight. Of course right when I'm coming down with something. I'm weak, exhausted, and am kinda out of it. We were supposed to go to a party last night at Andrews friend caseys house but not only were we both tired, we felt more comfortable at home, so we hungbout with my dad and talked with his parents about the car they are buying me tomorrow. She doesn't want or think we have the right to live together with the amount of money we have, so they are buying a car for me to drive out and see him more. I hope my mom gets home soon so I can take a nap. I'm gonna pass out. Uggh

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Has to be the worst movie I have ever seen.  My grandma wasn't lying.  It really was horrible.  I wish I could see the musical.  It would do Abba more justice.

It's the day after Christmas.  What am I doing?  I'm at work, but calling every Target store around me looking for a Nintendo Wii.  Every

time I reach a store and ask the big question, they all laugh at me.  I was told to come as soon as they open on the 28th, because they

will all be gone by 9am. Lame. I want to buy one with all the Target giftcards I got.  Not that I have all the time in the world to play video

games, but if I get any console, it would definitely be Wii.  I can even use it to work out!  And I think that if I put Hayden in his jumparoo

he would enjoy seeing his momma jumping around making a fool out of herself. Haah.  I'm watching some customers wanting to pull

in to the track..  Ridiculous.  It's muddy as hell.  Go away, I don't want to be here.  I miss my baby, and I need to clean my apartment.

That will be my gift to myself when I finish.... a reward.  Clean apartment= Wii.

    Our Christmas was amazing.  I had a good time, and we had lot's of good food and presents galore.  Hayden got some many toys, I

had to bust out a second toy box.  I'm in the process of getting my room cleaned.  The whole apartment is torn up because my dads

new dog has seperation anxiety, and he hasn't been home for the past 3 days.  So it's horrible.  Poo, pee, a roll of toilet paper

chewed into little bits, and a roll of wrapping paper shredded.  She means business when she is desperate for attention.

i want some Christmas dinner right now. Mmmmm.  Things went surprisingly well with Andrew's family. Mhmm.  His aunt threw

a fit before they even got  there about how their side of the family shouldn't have gotten me any presents because Andrew and I are

not married so it's inappropriate, and nobody ever got her daughter's boyfriends anything.  Haaaaaaah.  I can't help it if everyone

loves me and my beautiful precious baby boy!

   On a completely different subject, I have been having major issues with my bladder again since I had the baby.  I think he was too

heavy inutero and messed it up again.  I can hardly hold it, when I need to go, I need to go!  I need to buy thank you notes so I won't

forget, and send them out to all the people who got Hayden and I presents for Christmas.

Well, I shall write later about  my lovely adventure in cleaning the apartment!

Livejournal app for my iPhone. Scoreeee! I love this thing. I think it might be easier to use then the computer version. No bs to go through.

We had our Christmas at my aunts. It was nice. Except for the part where my grandma wasn't there because her pain was bad and she had to go back to the hospital. We missed her.

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 Here it is,  December 24th, aka Christmas Eve for most people, and where am I?  I'm at work. Good ol' Perris Raceway open for those

men who want to get away from their nagging mates.  I would rather be at home with my family.  Speaking of...I enjoy most of my family

and some day, hope to enjoy my in laws just as much as my own parents.  (haaaaaaaaaaaah, like that will ever happen)  Oh, and I'm

sorry, I forgot.. Tracy Jansen is not my mother in law yet.  But I will continue to refer to her as my Monster In Law.  Because soon one

day, due to some miracle, we shall be related by law. 

    Seeing the wonderful time of the month it is for me, all negative and bothersome thoughts seem to come to mind automatically.  One

thing that I'm trying not to blow a gasket over, is our plans for Christmas Day.  AJ, the baby, and I, are practically in a contract (thought out

by Monster In Law of course,)  saying that we have all morning until 11am to be at my mothers house, and then we must go to her and

Srgnt. Jansen's house and stay there all day "because it's their turn to host the Henry's side of the family Christmas."  However

does she really believe she has the power to make Andrew and I stay the whole day, and miss the festivities at my house which is

only about 5 blocks North East of her front door.  I don't think so.  Sighhh.. So I told AJ that Hayden is 'our' baby, not 'her' baby, and

we will be coming an going as we please, but of course make sure to spend most of our time there, at her house.  I'm pretty good at

kissing ass but believe me, if you saw how big her's is...you'd see I will be kissing it for a good 5-10 years.


Only 2 hours and 45 minutes to go until I can fly out of here, and do some errands for my wonderfully cooperative fiance, and my

mom. 
 

my baby wants some mama loves today.

Im not pleased with the past few days. Despite my efforts of getting my milk back, its not working! I refuse to take any other medication besides herbal supplements to get it back. Its just one drop in 25-30 minutes of pumping on each breast. And its frustrating. Im not giving up though. I will try the board on livejournal now.

On another note, yesterday was one of the crappiest days I've ever had. I woke up in the morning after only getting an hour of sleep because the baby was congested all night. So I tried to call the pediatricians office and my phone had no service and the bill was payed. So after a couple hours, I fonally got it fixed and called, they wanted me to bring him in. So I ran some errands and took back my humidifier and got a more expensive one, thinking it would work better, it was worse. Then one of haydens bottles leaked and flooded the inside of his diaperbag. Wrecking some important medi cal paperwork. Then his prescription was $30 for a tiny bottle of nasty smelling liquid, but when I got home, my medi cal cards were there so I could jave gotten it free! Then my work denied my claim for the extended family leave act thing. And so I had to call around for childcare. And im so stressed about having to put my 2 month old in daycare. He gets sickl enough just being at home.

Maybe stress is affecting my milk production???

And today, I came to my moms house after the third night in a row of no sleep, and begged her to watch the baby while I slept for a few hours. Thank god for her. Now im doing my babysitting job, but my stepdad is taking over and correcting everything I do. Screw that. He needs to go back to work because im sick of him over my shoulder as I try to take care of 2 small kids. Tfrjdksdjuerijkwsdlerf.

So im going to sit on the couch and work on breastfeeding and drink tea all day until he asks me to do something. Easy money.

My peanut is sick. He has a cold. He got it from caelin. I feel so bad.

Sooooo...even though some may think im crazy, I have been doing everything I possibly have been told to do, to get my milk back flowing again. I have put him on the breast in between feedings, even though he only sucks a couple seconds at a time, and then I pump like crazy. So far, I have only gotten collostrum, and only teeny tiny drops at a time. But I went to pickles and giggles today and got the more milk plus capsules. They have fenugreek(sp?) and fennel and other milk boosting herbs in them. Also, the lactation consultant there told me to eat lots of oatmeal. So hopefully within 2 days the capsules will start to work.

I will write more tomorrow. Im exhausted.

So I haven't had a lot of extra time on my hands. Im still staying at my moms but continuing to pay rent. Who knows when ill go back to my boring, lonely apartment. I have noticed hayden wants to be really bounced hard in his bouncy seat.

My health insurance will be kicked in for me in the baby in 14 days! Im excited.
I feel like I got a lot done today. I got my fafsa refilled out for school financial aid, which hopefully I will get more money now that I have a dependant. And the insurance thing was worked out. Im feeling a great deal better.

I hung out with mike the other day. He joined the marines. I can't believe he did, but im sure it will be good for him.
Caelin is putting mr. Potato head eyes on her hands and pretending to be oobie. I love that show. My ex boyfriend keeps sending me messages on myspace. He wants to hang out with me. I think its funny that his girlfriend went away to college so now he is crawling back to me, even though he cheated on me with her. Fascinating how that works. Well he can go eff himself.

Meanwhile, andrew and I aren't doing great because of his attitude and the way he chooses to spend his time when he comes down to visit me and the baby. Like for the first two hours he is here, he is mean and grumpy and treats me like crap, and then after we fight and I end up crying, he is nice to me. I would like to skip all of that, and just have him be nice to me from the time he first gets here, until he leaves. I want things to work out, but I don't see that happening if he doesn't cut his hours down a little at work so he can come down more often between school days.

Im excited, my friend jesse that I used to work with at las palmas is coming in an hour to hang out with me. I haven't seen him in forever. Andrew actually likes jesse I think. Which is nice for once.

See attached for list of reasons why things aren't good with andrew.

Today is friday. I used to get excited when I was little because I knew friday meant the start of the weekend. I now get excited because I know friday means people will be home for the weekend to help me with my colicky baby so I can have a small break. Andrew won't be down until sunday though.

I had my upper GI test this morning. Yuck. They made me swallow this liquid barium and it was disgusting. It was so thick you could almost cut it with a knife. They said all they found was bad reflux. Yah. I could have told them that. But what is causing the pain and reflux? Maybe I should take the activia challenge?

Hayden did horrible on the nutramigen. He also has diahrrhea still. He hasn't pooped today yet though, so I hope he doesn't anymore. My baby sister has it too. But the nutramigen must have tasted disgusting because he would only drink an ounce and a half and then cry and bat it away and make a bad face. He also was so gassy I thought he was going to blow a hole in his diaper. Hah. So I switched back to the gentlease. He is eating his bottles now and momma and baby are both doing better. Colic is getting better. We are getting 5-6 hours straight sleep at night. Although that may have something to do with the rice cereal the doctor has me putting in the bottles in the morning and night for his acid reflux.

Note to self..I still need a humidifier/vaporizer for his dry/stuffy nose.

Having a really hard time with money. I don't even have half of my rent that is due by the third. I had to spend $90 on formula because I ran out 3 cans ago, and had to buy them because my wic appointment isn't until september 4th. Then $75 in doctor copays for me and then $33 for haydens copays and am I getting any help from andrew. No. Not right now. I love his family, but I don't think they really understand that right now, raising a baby consists of buying diapers which has been taken care of by my mom when she goes to costco, formula, which is taken care of by wic, clothing, which is taken care of by my shower and a roof over my head and doctors appointments. Those I need help with. So we are sitting down with his mom on sunday to talk about finances.

I just got back from the pediatrician with hayden. He weighs 11 pounds, 5 ounces and I can't remember how long he is, but he said he is longer than he is supposed to be at his age. So he is definitely growing. He also told me I need to have a cool mist humidifier for him becase he has a little congestion, and he gave me the okay to put some rice cereal in his bottle mixed with his nutramigen to help with his AR. The nutramigen seems to be doing its job so far. He is even pooping after almost every feeding like he used to on breastmilk. He also didn't get fussy last night like he normally does. That 3 hours of screaming nonstop was calm. Im glad his tummy feels a little better.

He is napping in his swing right now. I would like to nap. My zoloft makes me super tired as I start out on it.

I went to the doctors for my upper GI scan and they sent me away and poatponed it until this friday becauase I drank water and I wasn't told I couldnt . So I was away from my son for a whole night for no reason.

One good thing today, my sidekick came today. Its so much better than my blackberry. Im very tired. Time for a nap?

My sister is sitting on my lap. She is mad at me because I took her sippy cup away from her and told her 'no no' because she was tipping it upsidown and spilling juice everywhere on purpose. She does it sometimes to try and get attention when we are holding Hayden. I have decided to start being a consultant for Mark makeup and The Body Shop. I got the idea from one of the girls on the playgroup.

I feel crappy today again. Really nauseated. I didn't even get nauseous when I was pregnant, so it really sucks to feel like that now. I have my upper GI scan test Wednesday morning. I'm so attached to Hayden, but I am letting my bosses wife, Lisa take him Tuesday evening so she can watch him overnight and in the morning while I have my test. I hope I start to feel better soon.

Right now, I'm waiting for my bathing suit that I ordered from Victorias Secret website. I hope it comes today. The shipment tracking showed it being delivered today. I'm also waiting for my Sidekick 2008 to be delivered. But it probably won't get here until September 2nd. I was sick of my Blackberry Pearl. I had so many issues with the server and browser. There is just too much on such a little phone. But I love the Sidekicks and I like the new one because I can still do email and internet, andddddddddddddddd it's customizable. My mom got two onesies for Hayden yesterday. One is black and has the ipod clickwheel on the front, and the buttons say eat, poop, sleep, and play. And on the back it says ipoop. The other one says 'watch your fu$%&ng mouth around the baby' hah.

Hayden peed on Brynne today. Hahah. She was holding him in a towel before I gave him a bath. I had a talk with Andrew about our relationship yesterday. And how I'm not happy. We agreed to work on things together. I'm not one to give up. I love him too much. I'm just not happy with the way things are going with the way he is treating me. I deserve to be treated better.

I'm trying to take vitamins and make meals that are full and balanced. I made me and Caelin baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn today.

She only ate the mashed potatoes. I wish my mom would have introduced her to vegetables more. She won't eat any. Or drink milk.
I want to nurse Hayden again so bad. But because of me being sick, and exhausted, and how he eats so fiercely, I don't know if either of us have the patience right now to get my milk supply back. I swear it's completely gone. My breasts are flat as pancakes again.

I don't want to get my hopes up, but yesterday afternoon I took my prescription of zoloft with a big meal that I made for Andrew and I. I felt it starting to slowly relax me. Then the stomach pain went away, and the burning in my throat disappeared, and I slept so amazing. (in between feedings of course) so I don't need that stomach medication nexium anyways. I refuse to take it because I know I don't have an over production of acid. I'm now wondering if maybe the lexapro was eating away at the lining of my stomach and causing some of these issues. As far as hormonally, I still had some hot flashes yesterday, but that will hopefully soon be fixed with the birth control pills that I think I lost in Andrews car. We shall see today. I probably can't expect instant gratification like I am with this though...
The baby went back to sleep after this feeding. I should go back to sleep too.

Well I think its just amazing how alert Hayden has become in just a week. He is 7 weeks now, and yesterday he started to really smile and found his tongue, and today he has been cooing and trying to talk and smiling at me and my mom. It makes me feel so great to see him developing the way he is supposed to. Its also great to see him happy and not uncomfortable all the time with colic. He is still spitting up a little more than he has in the past couple weeks, but its not as bad as it was last week.

I never realized how much I love the color blue. Its a nice calming happy color.

Hayden is on his lion playmat gym thing right now, talking to us. He is definitely a pacifier baby when he needs to be soothed. The gumdrop pacifiers are okay, but don't stay in as well as the mam ones do. I love those.

Andrew is on his way over right now.he told me his mom wants him to take the baby to see his grandma an hour away. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm going to put my foot down on this one. I don't feel comfortable with him driving the baby all the way to Anaheim by himself and then being there for a few hours. I don't want to be away from my baby that long. I'm not comfortable with it. They can wait until I get better. If I ever do..... I'm starting to lose hope since new things keep compiling. Please God, let me get better so I can once again function like a normal human being, and be here for my son when he needs me.

Live journal from my phone? Who knew. Dear god what is wrong with me. It seems like new and strange symptoms keep being added on my plate. I was feeling better yesterday, so I figured I would go to my friend nicoles house about 45 minutes away. We went to the cheesecake factory for dinner, but I didn't even get to eat. I felt really nauseated and like I couldn't hold my head up all of a sudden and so I apologized, packed up the baby, and got out of there. As I was pulling out of the mall parking lot, I suddenly felt like I didn't know where I was, my head felt so funny. It scared me so much. I called my mom and asked which freeway to take because everything seemed so foreign. I had to get home and fast. I was having a major panic attack on top of feeling this way, and I shouldn't have even been driving the baby. I got to my moms, handed her the baby, feeling like a horrible mother, and went and layed down. Then I started feeling so weird and out of it, and passing out and coming back to. I fell asleep with the baby and he woke up at 2am to eat, I went downstairs to feed him, and I had to stop, put him down and go to the bathroom because my stomach was killing me. He was screaming so my mom heard and came downstairs. Then I started shaking uncontrollably and started panicking again. She told me to go to sleep, and I tried, and she said she would take the baby for the rest of the night. I was so scared, I cried myself to sleep, upset that I can barely function enough to take care of my son, and I just want answers. I woke up this morning with my scalp and neck itching and burning and in a cold sweat. I need to get better. Andrews mom told my mom that she never felt right after she had Andrews brother like hormonally, so they had to give her a shot. I'm thinking it may be hormones completely out of whack since it has been going on since I had the baby. My mom said maybe I should start my birth control pills to balance myself out. I'm not supposed to start them until I get a visit from af. But I'm thinking of calling the doctor again. I keep having horrible panic attacks that work me up so bad that when they are done, I'm almost immobilized with fear and can hardly function afterwards. I have the chills right now. I'm gonna go lay with the baby. I keep praying for myself. I'm scared.